I realized the last time I posted anything of substance I hadn’t really reached a mental/emotional equilibrium.  Well, please know that I have been in a good place all week and hopefully this will continue.  Honestly? An awful lot of self care over the weekend helped.  I kept things pretty chill, got a LOT done around the house, exercised, got a 25 minute chair massage at the new nail salon around the corner,  went for a ridiculous 2 hour walk on Saturday, met the girls for brunch on Sunday, met P for the usual Scrabble, got slaughtered at the usual Scrabble, and went to bed super relaxed and feeling good (It was on my agenda to make a pie but it just didn’t happen.  However, I definitely see cookies ahead this weekend.).  I’ve still kept things pretty low key in the evenings–mainly exercising (I’ve become addicted to the stationary bike at Bally’s) and chilling with the television, my embroidery and the kitty cats. (Yeah, the whole NaNoWrimo thing?  Total fail.  I started with just a line and a couple characters and was pretty happy with where things were going, but then my brain went kablooey and I just haven’t been able to pick it up since.  Maybe next year.)  This weekend I’m stepping up the socializing a bit again but not to absurd proportions.
Speaking of my embroidery, I was going to elaborate a bit on that.  I’ve always been an artsy person, but I wouldn’t call myself a crafty person.  I can’t sew much more than a button.  My attempt at crochet was a complete failure.  And I won’t even subject another person to trying to teach me to knit because I know I don’t have the patience.  I picked up an embroidery kit on a whim a couple weeks back and as I joked to H, I think I have finally found a craft of my very own.  The neat thing about embroidery is that it’s a little more free-form than most yarn or needle crafts–I’ve equated it to drawing with thread.  After a number of practice patterns on the tea towels in the kit, I branched out to a real retro kitchen towel I bought at Joann’s and am in the process of sewing two little strawberries on it.  It’s great fun for me and has become a great way to unwind with the (new! big!) television.
Okay, time to go do some serious harvesting over on Farmville.  Man,  I miss being able to keep up with my crops at lunch time!

Yesterday we launched our new internet monitoring policy at work, including some newly blocked sites.
Know what’s blocked?  WordPress.  And I can read blogs still in Google Reader but I can’t click through to comment on them.
I can still get into Facebook (but can’t play Farmville!!).
So, suffice to say this will probably be severely cutting into my reading and blogging time.
Now, before anyone goes off about how I should be working, not posting or reading…
1) I get my work done
2) I am on the phone most of the day, which usually lends itself to other things because
3) I am a chronic multi-tasker

So, no, I really don’t think this is going to impact my productivity at all.  Which, by the way, acording to what I think is a very flawed study, is at a huge high across the business world right now.  Know why?  People are scared to lose their jobs.  Management by fear is never a good idea.

Anyway, more on life in general when I can check in.

I  had an AWESOME workout tonight at the gym. Yay!  I ran for 5 mins, then did 25 minutes on the bike (why the 5 min run? just what I felt like doing) at level 12.  !!! I don’t know how high the bike goes, but I can tell you I only ever remember getting up to *maybe* level 6 in the past.  So, hey Bally’s?  When I get to the 94th floor of the Hancock Tower I’m going to tell you to EAT IT for having your trainer tell me I didn’t have the stamina to complete the Hustle.

I wrapped it up with some crunches and pushups and felt GREAT.

I haven’t been consistent with the exercise this week, what with the mental breakdown and all*, but still, when I do go I am making it count.

And now I am craving lemon bars** something fierce.  Oh, the eternal struggle.

*I am feeling better, but man, I am ready for these major mood swings to s-t-o-p.
**I am thinking I might make a pie this weekend.  Just because.

See, told you I’d be better today!

Okay, not all better.  But a lot better.  Thank you so much to those of you who emailed me.  I didn’t write back to anyone today, so don’t take it personally or worry that I’m in a ditch somewhere if I didn’t write back.  By tomorrow I think I’ll be able to process everything again.

I did end up taking today off.  Per usual, my stomach imploded as it tends to do when my emotions are high.  So my body forced me to rest, and that’s totally okay.

I just got back from Sears where I got a digital booster antenna so that I can watch V tonight.  (I was doing fine with my old school antenna, but couldn’t get ABC, so let’s hope this fixes things b/c LOST starts up again in January!!)  And the show may suck, but I don’t really care.  Because watching tv and sorting through the detritus that needs to be dealt with in this house (the physical and all the emotional that’s tied to it) is what I feel like doing tonight.  For the next couple months, taking care of ME is top priority.

Thanks again.  It is always so helpful just to know that people care–cheesy as that sounds, it is true.

After such a fun weekend, I crashed in a very big way today.  I mean emotionally.  I think today was the most I’ve cried since the very first time E. and I split.  In fact, here I am crying again. (it’s been pretty much every couple hours)
And it’s not really about E…at least not entirely.  I mean, I know coming off of that relationship has left me without a full tank of emotional gas, and there are still things related to my relationship with E. that are hurting my heart so much.  But there are other things I don’t want to talk about here.  Things I feel like I brought on myself at a time when I really didn’t have the emotional reserve to deal with them.
I know, this is very vague and probably making little sense. I’m also tired.
I’m just at an emotional depth I didn’t know I had in me, and yet, at the same time, somehow mostly  managing and coping just fine.  On one hand, I feel like I could take tomorrow off for some mental health, but on the other, being at work keeps me distracted and sane.
You know,  I’m not like this every day.  For the most part I’ve been fine.  But man, when the wave hit me, it hit me really hard.  I feel battered, and exhausted, and lost and confused.
I’ll be better tomorrow I’m sure.  Again, sorry for the vague.

Stayed out until 2:30 in the morning at a super fun party on Friday night (fist bumps to H. and P. for the fact we CAN still stay out that late).

Watched most of Season 2 of How I Met Your Mother while I finished embroidering a palm tree on a tea towel.*

Had a big delicious burger at an Irish pub for dinner, then trotted off to the Halloween parade on Halsted.

Took a zillion pictures at said parade and, not surprisingly, have downloaded none of them.

Woke up late.  LATE late. Like, super duper late, even with the time change today.  P. and I called off our weekly Scrabble practice on the grounds we both badly needed a Sunday morning of rest for a change.

Went off to the coffee shop with H. to start NanoWrimo.  Oh my, this is proving much harder than I expected.  Churning out 2,000 words a day?  Not difficult.  Churning out 2,000 words of crap without aruging with myself over the logic and quality of my own writing?  VERY difficult.  I only made it to 1050 today, but in fairness, I was having a lot of technical difficulties during my writing session.  I still have faith I can keep up.  For this week at least…

Did nothing around the house I promised myself I’d do except to find some trouser socks for work tomorrow.  Bad, bad, irresponsible me.

Ordered Indian food from a new place that delivers.  Yum, Chana Masala.

Did level 2 yoga on my favorite DVD.

Going to bed early so that I can get up and get to work early so that I don’t miss the 8:00 start to Hustle up the Hancock registration.

I don’t have any full body shots, but here’s a pretty good picture of me in costume.  I’m even too lazy to anonymize myself…a choice I hope I don’t regret later…

*I don’t think I’ve mentioned here that I’ve taken up embroidery as my “craft of choice.”  More on that another time.

I’ve come out from under Bally’s spell and I feel I can speak intelligently about my free personal training session there.
I admit, I was dangerously close to signing up.  This was one of the hardest workouts I’ve had in awhile and I felt great afterwards–but let’s face it, I’ve not exactly been pushing myself.
Overall, I feel like they are soooo close to “getting it”.  Bally’s preaches the complexity of the relationship with the trainer, and I agree with that.  My trainer was knowledgable and respectable, but he didn’t listen.
Which is not his fault.  The music was SO LOUD that half the time I couldn’t hear him anyway.  And apparently he was working a 7am – 9pm shift.  He was totally overbooked–I could tell because he would leave me doing exercises to go meet a client.  This  happened a few times.
I also got annoyed because he kept telling me I wasn’t in the kind of shape I needed to be to do Hustle.  If I didn’t know better, I’d almost suspect he was trying to tell me I couldn’t do it at all (I figured out later during the sales pitch that it was more a matter, I think, of Bally’s trying to make me feel like I couldn’t do it WITHOUT THEM).  Well, duh.  Of course I’m not in shape to do it.  It’s not until February.  That’s what TRAINING is for.
I also must have told him 100x over that I’ve lost the weight, I’m just not maintaining well.  And he kept telling me I’d plateued, that’s the problem.  Again, duh.  I think that was what I just told him.  Also, when we discussed food? I got very annoyed with his suggestions.  Again, because I told him I knew how to eat, I just wasn’t DOING IT.  Stashing carrots and celery in the refrigerator at work is all fine and good, but not if you don’t have the discipline to munch on them instead of the cookies in the pantry.   He can’t change that, only I can change that.  And just telling me that I’m doing it wrong (especially for a stubborn thing like me) isn’t going to help.
So, overall, yeah–I had an awesome workout.  And I DO believe that this guy could knock me into shape and train me to be a great athlete in time for the hustle.   Despite not listening very well (which again, I don’t totally fault him for), he still was very aware of how I was doing (like when I got light headed at one point) and knew when to push me and when to back off. That’s good, because I  made it very clear that I don’t respond well to the drill sargent approach.  Overall, if I was starting out it might be a good option.  But not for  almost $600/month.  And not if they continue to overstretch their trainers like that.  Boo on you Bally’s.

TUA:  I thought I posted here what I’m going to be for Halloween, but two readers asked me about it so maybe not. I’m going to be the goddess Athena.  Tonight is the big Halloween party–yay!! I’ll post pictures (with my face blacked out, natch).

Emotionally and intellectually, I don’t feel ready to date.  And I know I don’t have to.  But at the same time, I am trying to stay open to all the universe has to offer.
Being single again is HARD.  I feel terribly out of practice.  I’d just as soon gaze at my navel for the next 6 months versus putting myself out there.  And again, I know I don’t have to put my self out there.  I only have to do what’s comfortable.
Today at lunch there was a very attractive man giving me the eyes at the Chase cafeteria.  First of all, I get really weirded out when a supremely good looking man…well, even looks at me.  I still have these horrible hangups from my youth about not being attractive enough.  Certainly not attractive enough for a REALLY good looking guy to oggle.  And yet there he was.  I know he was, because one of his friends accidentally pointed at me.  Ha ha.
I freaked out.  I had no idea what to do.  (duh, smile–I didn’t think of that).  I stole glances while eating my sandwich, silently see-sawed between wanting him to come to my table and wishing him away, and then left.  That all seemed like a silly waste of everyone’s time.  And I felt like I was in high school.
(I got hit on by a woman at Starbucks yesterday, but that’s another story.  Trust me, again, I wasn’t being an ego-maniac.  She told me she was so happy to talk to me because I was SO cute.  Her words, not mine.  I grabbed my coffee quickly and left but still…a compliment is a compliment.)
On a whim last night (seriously, I don’t know what possessed me except MAYBE that P. is being awfully encouraging that I flirt with the entire world), I reactivated one of my personals accounts.  And immediately an interesting fella came up as a recommendation.  And on another whim, I messaged him.  And already, he wrote me back.  He is a professor with a Ph.D. in theater.  That is neat.  I am already freaked out.
P. keeps trying to convince me that none of this needs to be anymore than practice.  That I don’t need to think long term.  He is helping me to remember to live in the now, have FUN, and take care of myself in the process.  All good advice.  All advice I need to heed.
But really, why do people flirt in the first place?  Usually with an end goal in mind, right?
I think I am afraid in my practice, I am going to mislead someone.
So I will continue to dress nicely but consider returning to my navel until February.

After my little temper tantrum the other day, I started doing some investigating and asking questions and so forth.  I don’t tolerate sitting around and just complaining about a problem, even from myself.
As it turns out, Bally’s was having a special this week on month-to-month plans.  I got mine for $27.99, no fees!
There is a Bally’s just about a block and a half away from my office, so this is super convenient.  Last night I left work at 5:15 and was finished working out by 6:15, home by 7.  Wayyyyyy better than getting home from the gym at 8:30.  I actually had a membership there long before I met E., but when E. and I joined our gym together, it blew Bally’s out of the water.  Also, Bally’s was only a contract set-up before, and I knew I didn’t want to make a commitment like that with the gym by my house opening up.  But hey, the universe opened up in my favor and here I am.  Man, I had a GREAT night of sleep after a round of weight training.
I was also dreading the patented Bally’s sales pitch, but it was not bad at all.  The nice thing is I was able to walk in and be like, this is what I want, this is why, make it happen.  The only thing they really tried to sell me on was the personal training.  Which was funny, because I met with like 3 people (sales guy, personal training manager, personal trainer) and my end of the conversation went something like this:
I  have a personal trainer.
No, I don’t have any weight goals. I already lost 25 pounds.
I’m focusing on fitness, not my physical appearance.
Yes, I have a fitness goal.  I’m doing Hustle Up the Hancock.  No, I’m working with my trainer for that too.*
Yes, I already eat 3 meals and 3 small snacks.  1 protein 1 carb each time.

That last one really stunned the personal training manager…or at least knocked him off his game because he said, “Oh, I see you know what you’re doing.”
Ha.

I still get a free session with a trainer so I’m going tomorrow night because 1) why not and 2) they’ll just keep pestering me if I don’t.   It should be…entertaining.   Regardless,  it is so nice to have a convenient, reasonably priced gym again…that I can cancel at any time!

*Found out I can do treadmill on an incline and stationary bike for my climb-specific training, so yeah, I’m still doing this.

I’m so angry I could cry.  I ran into a major issue with my training plan for Hustle Up the Hancock today, which I suspected might be a problem. 
My building (home) is only 4 stories.  So doing flights of stairs at my house would be sort of pointless.   I mean, the point is to go UP 94 floors, not up and down a bunch of times.  But no problem! I work in a big fancy corporate high rise! In the city! We have like, 40-some floors!

40-some floors with some really tight security.

Floors 1-2 belong to the restaurant, and unless you are staff, you’re going to get some ugly looks.  And you also can’t get very far.  2-7 is parking, which you can only access via elevator.  From 7 on, I’m golden, except I can only get back IN from the stairwell (i.e., to go to the elevator) on the floors my company owns.   So that’s like, 3 out of 40+ floors I need to make it to in order to get back in to the building proper and access the elevator.

When I started poking around with security to find out some shortcuts, I got a very strong warning against running up the stairwells.  Basically, if I get caught I will be in big trouble.

Well this just sucks.  I’m glad registration is still a week away.  Anyone have any bright ideas where I can stairclimb in the interim?

(To add insult to injury, the new gym doesn’t go in front of the zoning board again until December, which means probably no opening until January.  I am very seriously tempted to pick up a 3 month membership at a gym I spotted on my way home–small, but clean and also reasonably priced.  I just want a freaking nice gym again!!)