My Heart Is Bursting

I had a silly little post up from yesterday that I deleted because it was all meant to be very tongue in cheek and I feared those not “in the know” didn’t quite get the joke.  Sorry about that–I hate how deleted posts still show up in the feed reader.
But today, I have a somewhat more serious (but bright) bunch of thoughts.  Suffice to say, this week has been an emotional roller coaster and there is so much I’m not even sharing here.  I’m eating better, but not sleeping well, and I can’t seem to turn my brain OFF.  I can only try to distract it. (Hence, why I generally don’t lay down and die when bad things happen–my anxious nature makes it worse.  Sometimes I would love to be able to pull the covers over my head for the whole weekend.  But hey, I get myself out there as HotchPotch mentioned so that’s good–you would not even believe my calendar over the coming month, and there is something so freeing about being able to just say “YES” without a second thought.)
I keep crying, but not for the expected reasons.
I keep crying because the support from my friends has been AWESOME.  I mean, truly overpowering.  Every email or phone call or invitation fills my heart up.  The consistent, supporting, loving messages I’ve been receiving are unbelievable.
Goddamn, I have picked myself an incredible batch of friends.  The ones who have been here…for 3 years, 5 years, and longer?  My rocks.  The newer ones?  Have given me fresh perspective and equal amounts of love.
I want to buy every single one of them a pony. 
Or, I may just be baking like crazy this weekend.

Oh, on another note–no one actually 100% correctly guessed my Halloween costume, but I think people “got it”.  I’m going to be Athena, goddess of wisdom and war.   I need to get to ordering that outfit and some fly lace-up sandals…

OMG, The Show

I wanted to put “Baryshnikov” in the title but 50% of the time I am spelling his name wrong.  In fact, I probably just did that.
Anyway, first of all–the Harris theater is simply stunning.  How I can live in a city like this and have never been here, let alone have not seen more dances, more theatrical performances, etc etc etc…is just a damn shame.  So.  Add to list for the month of October?  Engage in more high culture activities, even if I have to go alone.
(but just in case, anyone up for a free Thursday evening at the Art Museum?)

And Baryshnikov.  Oh me.
The first piece was based on a song that the composer wrote based on the following backstory:
Man falls in love with beautiful Russian girl.  Beautiful Russian girl is outside his class and so they can never be.  Angst ensues.  Man goes abroad to work through his angst.  Man returns and is no longer interested in beautiful Russian girl.  The title translates to “The False Fantasy.” It was deliciously dark and funny.  And I think I must be getting more literate in dance, because I could figure out everything that was transpiring in the story without any narration (but I think I have a long way to go before I’ll be there with opera).
Next up was a solo piece…where the back of the stage was a huge multimedia screen and they projected video of Mikhail dancing at 15, and with the spotlight on, current Mikhail did a routine with 15 year old Mikhail.  All to a saxophone symphony by Phillip Glass.
That was neat.
There was a duet with the female dancer whose name I don’t have in front of me which was….eh. 
Then the finale duet which had amazing music, some crazy story line that involved love and angst and a table and a rug, and I didn’t quite follow this one as much but I could “grok” the basic emotions being evoked and the whole thing was damn pretty.
As I told my mom later, it was a little jarring to think this man is the same age as my father.  Which then caused me to think for a minute of my father doing ballet.  Which made me laugh pretty hard.
Also, I made friends with a nice old woman sitting next to me.  The audience was largely old women, young girls with their mommies, the occasional old stuffy man with his old woman wife, and at least one likely gay man there with his mom.  The nice old woman sitting next to me asked me if I was a dancer which was nice.  We chit-chatted, and yet again I was reminded of what my dad has  said about me–I could be in a room by myself with no furniture whatsoever and still manage to make a new friend.
Tonight I am running some quick errands and meeting A. for yoga class and tea after.  Apparently my plan is to just burn myself out on fun and company (I had lunch with two co-workers today, which was nice–this is my second “co-worker” lunch that I’ve been invited to, and you know, it’s sort of like an initation of sorts into the cool kids’ club.  Yay.) until further notice.

Moving Forward

Here is what I did yesterday:

-Got a pedicure (which was great, except for the mushy Celine Dion music being piped in to the salon–dammit!)
-Spent a lot of time talking to P. and hanging out with S.  And H. would have been here too if she wasn’t on a work trip.  So in addition to all the sweet and wonderful people who have emailed me and left comments, I want to give P., S., and H. a GREAT BIG HUG.
-I bought a new television!!! I have not been in compliance with the digital conversion, and that is mostly just fine because I really don’t watch much tv.  It turns out I had a small inheritance from my grandparents that I didn’t know about, and I only mention that because my Dad felt it was a good time to use it.  Believe me, this is no crazy expensive fancy television.  It is, actually, just right for me. 
Although the funny part is I hadn’t eaten much at all yesterday so when I finally settled in at home for the evening, I was awfully tired.  I started reading a book and got only a few pages in before I fell asleep on the couch.  So the tv is still in the box.  Silly.
-I went to the happiest place on earth, Target!  And I bought a pumpkin costume for my cat for $5.00.  I know!! I’m not normally the type to dress my pets up, and trust me, if you knew Bastet you’d understand that this is very likely a waste of $5.00.  But it is hilariously cute (I can’t find it now on the Target website, but if it turns up, I will post it) and if I can only get one picture out if it, it will be totally worth the investment.

Here is what I am doing today:

-Going to see Baryshnikov at 3pm.  I am SO EXCITED.   And yes, I am going by myself.  And no, I really don’t care, this is probably going to be one of the greatest things I’ll see this decade.
-Paying bills.  Blah.  That’s  not fun, but it needs to be done.
-Writing to my chemo patient*.  POSITIVE thoughts only!
-Giving A. a call to see if she wants to go to yoga class together tomorrow.
-Going for a run.  Since I actually ate breakfast today, I feel confident that I’ll continue this “eating” trend and manage to exercise without fainting.

*I forgot to write about this, but I finally got my assignment.  It’s a tough one, but I am still invested 100%.

The Next Day

I don’t want to blog excessively about what’s going on with me & E. but today I just need to put some words on…well, not paper.  Screen, I suppose.
The funny thing is last night, after the initial conversation, I was doing pretty okay.  The crying stopped and I told everyone I was okay and thanked them for their thoughts (and thank YOU for your thoughts).  I woke up this morning intellectually still doing very well.  I can rationally see why we made the decision we did and I know why it was the right thing.  I know I will be fine.   I have so much good in my life, of course I will be fine.
And then I just broke.
And I cried, and cried, and cried and I’m still crying.
I talked to my parents (who are awesome, by the way) and they said I needed to find what would cheer me up, and what would make me smile.  Unfortunately I realized the answer to that is most of what has cheered me up or made me smile in the past 2 years has been E.  The person who hugged me when I hurt was E.  And I don’t have that option today.
So I am sad and I am crying and I am feeling a bit lost.  And I know this is completely normal and to be expected.  I want, rationally, to just make the hurting stop.  If only it were that easy.
I’m trying to just get out of the house and away from things that remind me of him.  Because…there are an awful lot of things.
I finished my latest book today so maybe I will pick up a really thick one and go read at the coffee shop.  I also want to color my hair today.  For some reason, the sporadic grays are particularly depressing to me right now.

So, There’s This

I didn’t get permission to post this, and I wasn’t entirely sure I should post this, but…

I need to post this, as it affects a lot of my life and a lot of my upcoming month.  I’d just rather get it out there and quell the speculation in one fell swoop.

E. and I are taking a month apart.  And at the end of the month, we will revisit each other and decide if we want to continue on or not.

And it’s hard and it sucks (A  LOT) but it really, really is the right thing right now.

Updates!

So!
Point the first–I am going to visit my college alma mater for the 1st time since graduation. (technically I graduated from there twice so…the 2nd graduation, let’s say)  E. is planning on coming with me and we are going over homecoming weekend (October 24th & 25th).  I’m tremendously excited and…yes, a little nervous.   Only because I’m *me* and I foresee myself getting greatly overcome with emotion.  I was taking a survey last night about my experience at my college, and some of the things they asked were around how much my experience taught me independent thought, dealing with diverse personalities & diverse points of view,  project leadership, public speaking, critical reading, communication, problem solving and self-analysis.  I always looked at my college experience as a great one, but not a tremendous asset in my job search other than a nifty pedigree as I concluded I didn’t come out with a very practical degree.  But you know, everything I did both within my program and outside my program (because believe me, I did a LOT outside my program) taught me all of those skills.  That was a pretty neat realization.  All of this to say–I loved my school, I loved my school experience, and I think going back is going to make me a little weepy (in a good way).

Point the second–Paintball!!! Some of E.’s friends are going to play paintball on Saturday and I was invited.  Yay!! I have never played Paintball before.  My mom thinks I am not going to enjoy it very much, but we will see.  Regardless it’s something new and I’ll be able to say I tried it.  I am only worried about getting my eye shot out.  Yikes.

Point the third–Halloween!  My costume is NOT going to be one of the things previously mentioned.  Instead, I will give you clues.
This dress:

Plus this:

Plus this:

 

= ???

I have another clue but I am going to wait to see if anyone guesses based on what I’ve provided.  (E. is not allowed to play since he already knows!!)

In summary, I have plans pretty much every weekend except for the 17th of October and I am NOT going to whine about it this time because I was going through a “I’m no fun, no one likes me” funk last week and I needed this pick me up.  But seriously, where does this “no one likes me” crap come from, and why does it keep resurfacing?

I’m Alive and Well-ish

Been sick with the flu since Sunday afternoon.  Most likely contracted from my boss who was out most of last week.  I’m back at work today and feeling SIGNIFICANTLY better, but not surprisingly two days on the couch has me firmly behind the eight ball.
Here’s a teaser of upcoming things to report:
-My return to my college alma mater after more than 10 years
-Paintball fun!
-My crazy packed October
-Halloween costume – decided!

More to come…

It’s That Time of Year Again…

Halloween is just over a month away, and somehow I’ve already been invited to 2 Halloween parties.  Which is funny because I thought this might be the year I finally write off Halloween!

E. is potentially going as his rapper-alter-ego, aka E.-money, and let’s just say most of the female costumes that go with the rapper idea are…not things I want to dress as this  year.  (i.e., ho, stripper, stripper-ho, Lil’ Kim)

And I’m most assuredly not going to be in the shape I wanted to be in by October 31st to pull off the cute little Alice in Wonderland costume I was eyeballing, so back to brainstorming I go.  Some of the more creative costumes I’ve had in the past include:
Invisible man (complete with trenchcoat and bandage-wrapped face–I was  a weird child)
Motorcycle chick (ahem, 3rd grade)
Beaten-up Mime
Medusa (with rubber snakes in hair)
Zombie librarian

For some reason, I’m in the mood for something a bit more feminine this year.  Note by feminine I do not mean trashy, sexy (insert costume idea here).   Which makes it all the more distressing that when I went browsing online for cute Strawberry Shortcake and Blueberry Muffin costumes, the only thing vaguely reasonable were the toddler outfits.  Which of course, I can’t fit into.  Nor can I fit into this:

 Or maybe I could but not without my bum turning blue as well.
Right now I’m thinking about Joan of Arc.  I like this costume a lot…

though I’m not 100% sold on the comfort factor.  If I wanted comfort as top priority, though, I would have gone with the hilarious (to me) idea of macaroni and cheese–orange sweat suit with macaroni noodles glued all over it. HA-ha.
Anyway, I am open to suggestions.

Lots to Cover!

Holy cow, how to make this abbreviated??  Please note, there will be no pictures.*

I had a great time with my parents, aside from a couple (and to be expected) little grouchy bursts from one of us due to hunger, exhaustion, or heartburn. 

On Friday we went to one of my favorite breakfast places then off to the Botanic Gardens.  Then to California Pizza Kitchen for lunch and Old Orchard in the afternoon.   Since I woke up unprompted at 6:30am, it is no surprise that I was exhausted in the afternoon.  I think this was the day I took a 1.5 hr nap at my parents’ hotel**!!

Saturday we headed out to Navy Pier.  My mom’s good friend who lives here came along, plus her husband, plus E. who caught up with us in the afternoon.  I got my yoga done in the morning.  The weather was perfect all day, and E. and I rode on the giant Ferris Wheel which I LOVE.  I wanted to ride in the tethered hot air balloon***, but it was hard enough to coordinate 5 people’s interests.   We had dinner at Maggiano’s (and drank a fair amount of darn good wine!). 

Sunday we spent at the Museum of Science and Industry.  It’s not one of my favorite museums, but I had a better time than usual.  Part of this is because 1) I got to see a baby chick actually hatching out of the shell (awww!!!), 2) They are finally opening some new exhibits thanks to some generous grants, including a biology exhibit called “YOU: The Experience”, next month and 3) We saw the Harry Potter exhibit, which really surpassed my expectations.  It was full of props and costumes from the movies and the attention to detail and design was simply amazing.  Seriously, how does one even conceive of how to build a prop phoenix?? Okay, I guess it’s really the artsy part of the industrial that interests me.  Huh.  How unsurprising.

By Sunday afternoon we were all pooooooped.   But it was still a nice time.  We had dinner last night after I got home from work and then my folks were off this morning.  It is always fun to have out of town guests to escort around and revisit all the cool things to do in the city.  It’s too easy to take it all for granted.  I’m happy to have my little routine back, but admittedly miss my parents already.   They’re getting pretty fun in their old age.

*I am so impressed with you bloggers who cover your blog with photos.  The reason I generally don’t is 1) The impetus to keep this a private blog and 2) The fact that my camera has a really retarded system of downloads involved in getting pictures off my camera and on to the computer.  It takes forever and just frustrates/annoys me.  My Dad thinks I can change some configurations to make that easier, and he’s probably right, but I don’t foresee doing that any time soon.  I also just don’t take a lot of pictures any more.  Probably because they are such a pain to download.

**My parents didn’t stay with me–my mom is allergic to the kitties, and frankly, three adults crammed in a one bedroom apartment regardless sounds like a terrible idea.

***Kim, we should totally do this together some time!!!

Rude Awakening

My parents are still around and I have about 80 things to report on, but quickly I had to share  a cautionary tale/rude awakening with my fair readers.
I have by no means been eating perfect the past…few months, but I was making a good effort.  My weight has stayed firmly planted at the same number.  On the bright side, it hasn’t gone up.  On the other side, it hasn’t gone down. (FWIW, I’m totally within normal range but could slim down a little to be closer to the middle of the BMI  index).
And I think I know why.
I have a propensity for salads from Soprafina.  It’s one of the 3 or 4 places I eat*.  And I know salad dressing can be horrible for you, so I try to only pick a small amount of the vinagrettes.
Well, it turns out that the salad I have been getting on a regular basis clocks in at about 700 calories with dressing and chicken.
YIKES!!!!!
Okay, I never get the cheese, so that takes out…what, maybe 200 calories tops?  That’s still a 500 calorie lunch.  200 calories more than I should be eating**.
Now, I mention this all not because I want anyone to think I am getting that obsessed with my daily food intake.  But it DOES explain why, despite my best efforts, my weight has not budged.  And I am furious that all this time I was blindly eating my salads thinking they were at least in the ballpark of what I should be eating.
Admittedly, that is partly my own fault but really…a 700 calorie salad???  Sneaky bastards.  For now, I’m moving on to COSI for my salads, which has a selection specifically under 400 calories. 
I guess the good news it should be pretty easy  (fingers crossed??) now to drop a few more pounds just by cutting the Soprafina salads out of my diet. :p

*After this horrifying discovery which I shared with my c0-worker who also loves Soprafina, we are on a quest to branch out of our little comfort zone and find some new healthy options.  I know packing lunch would solve a lot, but 1) I can’t stand the thought of having to worry about preparing another item in advance for my day and 2) I get paid by the hour and we don’t have a break room so my only option is really eating at my desk which makes it hard to avoid doing any work.   Plus I think it is much mentally healthier to get up and walk away in the middle of the day for my own sanity!

**Before anyone freaks out that I am only eating 300 calorie meals, please note that I eat 3/300 calorie meals and 3/200 calorie snacks per day.