Just to give you background, I knew over the weekend (obviously) that my grandpa was not doing well. Monday morning I got the call while I was getting ready for work so I just sort of accepted it and moved on, got time approved off of work and focused on booking a flight. Done and done. Then I went out with A. (and had a margarita) and didn’t really think much about anything. I also got assigned what I think is a completely asinine report* at work in addition to all the other reporting I am working on which didn’t exactly do much to boost my spirits, so there was that.
For some reason, my grandpa’s passing is hitting me a lot harder than my grandma’s did. I don’t know if it’s because I wasn’t there, or if it’s because I really for real have no grandparents left or naybe just because I saw a lot of the qualities I inherited from my grandpa more clearly than my grandma, but I am crying randomly all over the place. It’s weird, and a bit inconvenient. It’s not like I think about him or have a memory of him and just lose it. Nope, I just…start crying. Out of the blue. No provocation. Poof, tears.
So I kept having to get up and run into the bathroom at work and thank GOD no one was in there at the time. Then I’d have to dab my eyes, compose myself, and head back to my desk to go back to whatever I was doing. But the weird thing is, I’ve not told everyone at work what happened because…well, it’s awkward, you know? I felt weird enough telling A. and she’s been my friend for over a decade. I started by just telling my pro tempore supervisor that I had to go home this Friday for a family matter. And she probed me a little and I said that yeah, we had a death in the family. Well then you have the whole “Oh, I’m so sorry” and I never know how to react to that…and being me, (and probably like Tori) I then feel bad that I made someone feel bad and so I either say something trite like “Well he’s with my grandma now, so I know he’s happy” (which I do believe, by the way) or just shoe it away and change the subject.
So then I was mentioning in a meeting that I would be out on Friday and one of our Coordinators who I am not particularly close to (one of them I am, so I told her right away and felt more comfortable talking about it) asked where I was going. We were in a meeting so I didn’t want to make a big scene–I just said I was going home. And she went on about how, oh, that’s nice, you’ll have fun, it will be a relaxing weekend, etc etc. Ugh.
Sometimes I think we should just wear black arm bands when something bad happens and if people want to ask they can and if not you don’t have to say anything, you can just be upset in peace.
I called my folks this evening and cried a lot and felt a little better. I also requested a very specific picture of my grandpa for the memory board that my dad is making. That helped a little. I will be ready to go home Thursday.
*Since it is a report on our recruiting efforts, I think I am going to make a notation IN the report that I fell behind on recruiting for xx position because I was working on this report.**
**Not really, but man, that would be fun.
June 17, 2009 at 12:48 am
Oh, I’m so sorry. *hug*
June 17, 2009 at 1:33 am
A lot of time when we are grieving we don’t have a “reason” why we start crying- it’s just an emotionally raw place to exist in. It will be good for you to be home surrounded by family. Hang in there.
June 17, 2009 at 1:47 am
I was like this when my uncle unexpectedly passed away. I was okay at first, then I went to work and just couldn’t control it. I didn’t want to talk about it, because I talking about it would make it more real. I just took a few days off to let it all out.
Ugh. That probably didn’t make you feel better. I hope the coworkers you do tell can provide you the comfort you need. Maybe crying will make you feel better about it.
June 17, 2009 at 2:29 am
Mourning is important. Do lots of it.
And yeah, mention that in the report.
June 17, 2009 at 11:53 am
I’m really sorry. Don’t feel bad about the crying. Even the randomness of it. I did it when my grandfather died several years ago and I know I’ll do it when my grandmother dies. As Paul says, mourning is important.
June 17, 2009 at 1:36 pm
I love your black armband idea. I never know what or how much to say to people when they ask how I am. On the one hand, I don’t mind sharing, but on the other, I know it makes people uncomfortable if they were just asking to be polite.
I am really sorry for your loss. I think it is pretty normal to have the random crying bouts with no apparent reason/trigger. I know when my grandma died we would be doing something and all of a sudden I would start crying. I never figured it out, but it did get better/less random.
June 18, 2009 at 5:58 pm
In 2006, my first year teaching in the Master’ program my grandfather died on the first day of class and my grandmother died on the last day of class. Until my mid 30’s I was very close to them, then they both started losing their senses and they didn’t know me anymore. I was really sad, and cried a lot, but then also, I would lose my shit in the middle of classes…it has taken me 3 years to live down those student evaluations. All that rambling to say, been there. Sorry you are there now.
I hope this weekend goes as well as it can, and you gain comfort from your family.