Being an Emotional Mess at Work Is Kind of a Pain

Just to give you background, I knew over the weekend (obviously) that my grandpa was not doing well. Monday morning I got the call while I was getting ready for work so I just sort of accepted it and moved on, got time approved off of work and focused on booking a flight.  Done and done.  Then I went out with A. (and had a margarita) and didn’t really think much about anything.  I also got assigned what I think is a completely asinine report* at work in addition to all the other reporting I am working on which didn’t exactly do much to boost my spirits, so there was that.
For some reason, my grandpa’s passing is hitting me a lot harder than my grandma’s did.  I don’t know if it’s because I wasn’t there, or if it’s because I really for real have no grandparents left or naybe just because I saw a lot of the qualities I inherited from my grandpa more clearly than my grandma, but I am crying randomly all over the place.  It’s weird, and a bit inconvenient.  It’s not like I think about him or have a memory of him and just lose it.  Nope, I just…start crying.  Out of the blue.  No provocation.  Poof, tears.
So I kept having to get up and run into the bathroom at work and thank GOD no one was in there at the time.  Then I’d have to dab my eyes, compose myself, and head back to my desk to go back to whatever I was doing.  But the weird thing is, I’ve not told everyone at work what happened because…well, it’s awkward, you know?  I felt weird enough telling A. and she’s been my friend for over a decade.  I started by just telling my pro tempore supervisor that I had to go home this Friday for a family matter.  And she probed me a little and I said that yeah, we had a death in the family.  Well then you have the whole “Oh, I’m so sorry” and I never know how to react to that…and being me, (and probably like Tori) I then feel bad that I made someone feel bad and so I either say something trite like “Well he’s with my grandma now, so I know he’s happy” (which I do believe, by the way) or just shoe it away and change the subject.
So then I was mentioning in a meeting that I would be out on Friday and one of our Coordinators who I am not particularly close to (one of them I am, so I told her right away and felt more comfortable talking about it) asked where I was going.  We were in a meeting so I didn’t want to make a big scene–I just said I was going home.  And she went on about how, oh, that’s nice, you’ll have fun, it will be a relaxing weekend, etc etc.  Ugh.
Sometimes I think we should just wear black arm bands when something bad happens and if people want to ask they can and if not you don’t have to say anything, you can just be upset in peace.
I called my folks this evening and cried a lot and felt a little better.  I also requested a very specific picture of my grandpa for the memory board that my dad is making.  That helped a little.  I will be ready to go home Thursday.
*Since it is a report on our recruiting efforts, I think I am going to make a notation IN the report that I fell behind on recruiting for xx position because I was working on this report.**

**Not really, but man, that would be fun.

My Running Buddy is Back!

Last night, I went to dinner with my dear friend A…my 2x college roomate and the first real friend I made in college.  We went to Hamburger Mary’s for Drag Queen Bingo night at her suggestion, which is a fundraiser (different charity each week) on Monday nights that involves basically a large, flamboyant drag queen calling and providing commentary on Bingo.  There are prizes and everything! (we won nothing)
It seemed A. had pretty much given up on running and even discovered she was allergic to it*, but apparently she is getting back in the groove again and planning on running five 5K’s this year.  Because she is the one I ran my very first 5K with, because she runs at my pace**, and because she is awesome***, I am going to run a race with her in July!  How about that!  Time to lace up and train.  
It was so nice to talk to her…well, in general, especially yesterday when I needed a comforting ear and some distraction…but also specifically about the mixed feelings it seems we BOTH have about running. Like me, she WANTS to love running, and wishes she knew the magic secret that people who actively love running possess.  And like me, she has been pursuing other exercise options (specifically kayaking, which is just awesome) but isn’t ready to give up on running entirely. 
So it would seem I am not alone, and that is why I will run with her. 

*A. has an increasing number of food allergies, and if she runs too soon after consuming something that triggers a normally mild to barely-noticable reaction, she will break out in hives and her face will swell.  As she runs, the increased heart rate and blood pressure force the allergen through her system faster prompting the reaction.  So technically she is not allergic to running but she is having an awfully fun time saying she is.

**She said that if she finishes in less than 45 minutes, she considers it a good race.  Here, here!

***Part of the reason I feel very comfortable running with her (and probably part of the reason we run at a similar pace) is that we have been the same build, right down to  height and weight, since we first met. Which means yes, even over time and in her case one pregnancy (at which time we didn’t weigh the same, but as soon as she had the baby we did) our fluctuations have been similar and we’ve stayed at nearly the EXACT SAME weight.  Hilarious.