Goodbye, Lisa

After too many battles with cancer, Lisa of Clusterfook passed away last night. While I never met her personally, I was a faithful reader and my heart hurts for her family today. Kyra summed up exactly what I would like to say. Hop around the internet a bit and you will see some really beautiful tributes.
God bless, Lisa. Thank you for sharing your life with us.

LAFFS

I finally felt like eating a little bit ago (around 4pm), and seem to be feeling a tiny bit better. I don’t have the stomach virus (knocks wood), but I just had no appetite for some reason. I suspect the “cold that turns into laryngitis” that’s going around–one of my co-workers has it too. But she works off site, which convinces me 1) I either got it from aformentioned social gathering or 2) You absolutely can transmit germs over the interwebs.
Speaking of the interwebs, here are a couple things that have kept me entertained today. Enjoy.

Fail blog

F My Life (nods to Hazel for the link)
*You kind of have to weed through b/c some of the posts are lame, but some are really, really funny.

While napping today, I had nice dreams about old friends and one where I finally met Sizzle and gave her a great big awesome hug. Awwww!

POO

I was determined to write a nice upbeat entry this evening, letting you all know that I really am doing fine, just a bit scattered and preoccupied. (I’m learning quickly that jobs are being pulled within short times of being posted, likely because companies are receiving 400+ resumes, or, as my more pessimistic co-worker believes, jobs are being yanked due to budget reasons)
However, the last two days I’ve had a niggling sore throat that seems to be turning into something and I’m PISSED. I am so tired of being sick!! Moreover, I am REALLY ANNOYED with people who show up at social gatherings announcing they are sick, but don’t worry!! They’re not contagious anymore!! Oh, bollocks. Stay home. I’m sorry, I know you are bored and lonely, but STAY HOME.
Or, I need to invest in a bubble suit.
Anyway, making some tomato soup and putting my sleepy head down to rest so that I can actually enjoy some time with my sweetie this weekend (I hope, I hope, I hope) as it has been horribly few and far between lately.

Hopeful

I was working on an entry in my head after I read an article yesterday that compared the situation of the Octo-mom (such a horrible term) to the big bank bailouts–essentially, we live in a culture where because of your “rights” and “freedoms” you can do whatever you want irresponsibly and when the poop hits the fan someone else will be there to clean up after you. I agree so heavily with this perspective and see far too much of it applied in our day to day lives, but…
I’d rather post a nice entry today. I am feeling hopeful for the first time in awhile. The job I applied for on Sunday night? Turns out one of my co-workers knows somebody at the company. So she was able to put in a good word for me. Now, this does not guarantee me even an interview…or I may get the interview and the job turns out NOT to be all that and a bag of chips…but….
For the first time yesterday, I really truly felt that I will be OKAY. I know everyone and their uncle has been telling me this, but it was hard for me to believe it. At least this week, I do.

Yay, Weekend

I was tempted to take yesterday’s post down out of self-consciousness, but got such sweet comments I just couldn’t do it. Thank you all.
My weekend was nice. Yesterday E. and I went with some friends of his to see Taken (in the suburbs, so it was cheaper–heh) and it was really good! Nothing like a good action flick with the gratuitous explosion to take your mind off life. And this reminds me that I need to call my dad…
I ran errands today and spent some time with H., and also fought off a Dramamine-induced semi coma after taking 2 last night on the way home from the ‘burbs on a bumpy highway with too much popcorn in my belly. Doh. It was a pleasant sort of haze today though, so there’s that.
Then this evening I went over to S.’s house to watch the Oscars, not because I’m all that invested or even saw more than potentially 1 film that got any sort of award, and actually it may have just been Wall-E, Iron Man, and Dark Knight…which I think sort of don’t count. But as I explained to E., the Oscars are sort of the Superbowl for girls. It was a happening and there was yummy food and I ate too many cookies. Really, I just need to be held at a minimum 1 mile distance from sweets until further notice. :p
One of my co-workers got an e-mail over the weekend asking her to reduce her hours to no more than 15 a week. Blurgh. I need to go check my work e-mail so I don’t stay up all night thinking about it.
Last but not least, I am way behind on some e-mail communications, so if I owe you a response, I will try to be better about it over the next couple days.
Hope everyone had a nice weekend!

ETA: Shortly after writing this, I found The Job I want–recruiting sales people for a pharma company full time. I am totally qualified, so please send good vibes and cross your fingers and toes I can get an interview!!

Sad

I was reading over at Kyra’s the other day, and her post got me thinking. Yesterday I had the day off work and I ate like an angel (well, except for a couple mojitos with dinner, but it was Friday night!). And I think it is no coincidence that when I am away from work I know how to comfort myself properly. But when I am at work? Not so much.
I go through spurts where I wallow in my own self pity and then I buck up and don’t talk about things. Part of that is because from day to day, I really seriously do not know what is happening. Something happens and I feel like I’ll be kept a month, and then something else happens and I figure it will be a matter of days. It is tiring. It is hard to look for a job properly when you’re still working almost full time and having headaches and stomachaches and trouble sleeping* to boot. I can’t really look for contract work again until I’m done here so…I just keep collecting a paycheck for as long as I can. I don’t get severance or unemployment pay as a contractor, so it’s really going to be a matter of getting my rear in gear as soon as things are done.
It is hard to be in HR when people are getting let go and your own position is uncertain but no one else knows that so you have to put on a happy face and listen when they come talk to you because you cannot betray your own situation.
I also don’t like to talk about what’s happening because I feel like I am being a real downer, and no one wants to hear it. I make wise cracks or a snarky remark about it and that’s usually it. I think that’s why I’ve been feeling less social lately–like when I had recovered from the shingles and then my grandma got so sick. I don’t want to walk around putting on a fake happy face (though I am finding a lot of times when I walk in with a frown, my friends get me laughing and smiling very quickly, so I think I need to put more trust in that!), but I also don’t want to be a drag and tell everyone what’s going on in my life. So it’s easier to be by myself, even if going out might be the better choice. I find comfort in strange things like playing puzzle games and cleaning the bathroom. Which is really funny, because I hate cleaning, but having a mindless activity to focus on that leaves you feeling accomplished in the end is incredibly soothing.
I am weary of answering questions about my plans for the next month, or if I want to go to such and such this summer, or where I am going to live next. Because everything hinges on the unknown, and I can’t give a concrete answer, and I’m tired of telling people that.
I dread going to work because I know I will feel sad and angry. I want it all to be done, but yet I don’t, because I want to keep saving money for as long as possible. I tear up thinking about leaving some of my co-workers but can’t say anything because for the most part, they don’t know. I get scared thinking about starting somewhere new. I get more scared thinking about being unemployed for a long time. I get really scared that things in this country are going to somehow get worse.
I’m sort of rambling here, but I guess I just needed to blurt out how I am feeling because I don’t always feel like talking to someone about it. And I don’t always feel like being my usual happy self, which makes me feel guilty and miserable, which is also no help. And I’m hoping that at least writing it out a little, I can understand it better and try to find my comfort in something other than food.

*My doctor will usually give me a little Xanax prescription under times of stress–especially at the holidays. But I’ve put it off and feel scared and embarrassed to ask him for it this time. Like I’m not being tough enough. Maybe next week?

The Sugar Wars

I’ve mentioned here a couple times that I’ve been turning to carb-os for comfort since I’ve been a bit…anxious lately. My exercise regiment has improved and I’m doing my weight training pretty regularly. Except for tonight, because I came home with an AWFUL headache.
All along I’ve been pretty good at avoiding temptation, but usually temptation has either been out of my house or tucked away in the office kitchen. In general, my will and my resistance function a bit better when I’m not preoccupied with an impending life change…and for whatever reason, my appetite doesn’t seem to be going away this time. Meanwhile people have been baking more and bringing treats in and requesting cookies and such (to soothe their own nerves I’m sure) and it’s MUCH more difficult to resist lemon bars sitting happily on a plate directly across from your desk. Oog. (Lemon bars are something my grandma used to make from scratch and for awhile were my favorite dessert…the comfort factor is off the charts on that one)
I was happy this morning to find that our catered breakfast is being discontinued, because it was bagels 2 days a week (and fruit 3, wah) but lately bagels seemed to be popping up everywhere at all hours of the day. I’m hoping the whole contract with Panera is null and void now and the bagels will stop appearing in big ol’ Panera catering boxes.
However, there was pound cake sitting out on the shelf by my desk.
And I got mad.
At the pound cake.
No, really.
I was mad enough at myself last night for downing more dark chocolate M&M’s before bed. They didn’t taste good, I just liked the crunchy & sweet at the end of the day. Putting them in the freezer to “hide” them from myself did nothing–I just ate them from the freezer (M&M’s don’t really freeze, for the record). I swore that even if it meant chewing gum, nibbling on carrots, or even just eating more of my “approved” foods, I was NOT going to give in to sweets today. No more falling off the wagon and rolling into the dessert cart.
All of my tips from my trainer for controlling myself? Didn’t work. Nope, I had to actively get mad at the pound cake. I had to curse it in my head and call it names and think of it as a dirty, rotten piece of filth designed solely to knock me off my game and make my belly poof up like an intertube. If I could have spat on it without offending my co-workers, I would have.
And it worked.
I did not eat ANY unapproved sweets today. And after dinner, when I got really hungry (antsy?) for no clear reason, I made myself some soup. At 80 calories a cup, my light Maryland Crab soup did the trick. It takes awhile to eat soup, and by the time I was done, I was satisfied.
I’m making a trip to the grocery store tomorrow (I took the day off, but I’m still not unemployed, at least not this week…) and I am stocking up on broths and veggie soups and whatever else I need to get me through.
And I am going to yell at the donuts while I’m there.

I Have Issues

Today I was reading Mir’s pretty blog, and because hypochondria is fun, I started to wonder if I have sensory integration issues*. After all, as a child, I was told I was gifted, but no one ever really knew quite what that meant…
Anyway, I have a small sensory problem with sound. I get really, REALLY agitated by sounds related to eating. Yeah, we all have the standard irritation with people who are noisy eaters. But I’ve noticed I CAN ACTUALLY HEAR a fellow employee eating nuts three cubes away from me. Also? When people whistle or sing in public it makes me edgey. And the sounds of a wrapper being opened or ice being chomped on (or even rattling around in a cup–argh!) literally set my teeth on edge like nails on a chalkboard.
In an already stressful environment, I’m noticing these things much more than usual. And they are causing me to grit my teeth and get headaches. Which I honestly find a little absurd.
Maybe I need to meditate. Or get noise cancelling headphones. Or lobby to move into an actual office vs. open space (yeah right!).
Does anyone else have trigger sounds that set them off, or am I truly insane? (wait–don’t answer that second part)

*Not making light of the issue, but also not serious about thinking I have sensory integration issues**
**Though for the record, I am horribly, absurdly ticklish and engage in some repetitive activities, particularly picking at my scalp/pulling my hair…and in 1st grade, I ate my own hair

I Need Your Recipes, or Recipe Ideas

I have found out through the grapevine that I may be challenged to a dessert cook off by the individual whose rear I beat in the Iron Chef competition a year or two ago. (no time to link right now, in a nutshell, the not-so-secret ingredient was beer and I won)
I have to confess, dessert is not my specialty. Generally I can make very basic desserts, but I’ve had more failures in the dessert field than in other areas of cooking. So I am going to need to come up with something great. And I am going to need to practice.
I can make a great buttercream frosting now, we know that much. I also had a dream recently about making these “Snickers” cupcakes that had a caramel, chocolate, nut filling inside a chocolate cupcake. In the dream the frosting was the same as the filling, but I think I could make a chocolate buttercream to really wow the judges.
But I’m open to suggestions. Should I work on a fancy-pants tiramisu and start practicing now? Do you have a great recipe for a knock-out dessert you’d like to share? Should I take lessons from P.’s ladyfriend??
The way my relationship has been with chocolate lately, I am really scared to have too much baking going on in my house until my life settles down a little bit…or I learn to cope with something other than sweets…

Send Your Love Her Way…

If you’ve got some love overflowing from the weekend, please send it out to pretty little Miss Tori. She is having surgery today (actually, probably under the knife as I type this) and needs all our good wishes.
The funny thing is, Tori and I were born on the exact same day of the exact same year (though not at the same time) and if you read today’s entry you’ll get an awful lot of insight into my personality as well. I thought that was really funny. Because, like Tori, I find an awful lot of things funny that don’t necessarily make other people laugh. I have the sense of humor of a 4 year old, I swear. For example, over the weekend I found a job posted for a Sr. Recruiter with a casket manufacturing company. I imagine they take their business pretty seriously but the idea of recruiting for a casket manufacturer really cracked me up.
And speaking of love, I got the royal princess treatment from Mr. E. this weekend. I am one lucky lady!!