One-Upmanship is Such a Buzzkill

For as great a day as I had yesterday, my mood was quickly deteriorating at the end of the night until I was almost crying before bed. I couldn’t figure out what the heck had gotten to me so much until this morning.
Yesterday I was talking with another woman I know and jokingly said I would be more available now that my big test was over with, hooray. And her immediate response was, “Well, *I* have to take the (another professional certification) exam by JUNE and I am in class every day for it and they tell me I have to plan to study 80 hours a week!”
Okay, first of all, June is awhile away.
Second of all, my company did not offer me a class to take…there is, in fact, a 12 week course that some of the local colleges offer but I didn’t do that. I bought a used study guide from Half.com and downloaded practice exams and did it all by my damn self. I paid $300 out of my own pocket to take the exam not because someone was making me do it, but because it was important to me. And let me tell you, THAT is a big part of why I was so proud that I passed the exam. Not that it was so hard, but that I didn’t have any outside assistance that the majority of other people taking said exam have at their disposal.
Then I was really pissed at MYSELF for letting someone else deflate my big happy balloon so fast.
I feel like this happens all the time around me. If I am running a 5k, someone has to counter that they are running a half marathon (no one who reads this blog, by the way! I’m looking at you Kim–I never feel like you’re trying to pull that crap!). If I got kudos from someone at work, someone else got kudos from someone higher up on the ladder. If I raised X amount of dollars for a cause, someone raised higher.
Don’t get me wrong–I am all for a healthy dose of competition as motivator. I can be competitive (I will hand you your ass in a game of Scrabble, unless you are Paul). But I don’t think I go around squashing someone’s else’s success by carrying on about the things *I* am doing that are bigger, faster, harder…whatever.
At least I hope I don’t.
Reminding myself that these things are about self-esteem and control and power are all well and good, but it doesn’t stop me from walking away feeling kicked in the gut. I then wake up wishing I was good at something NOBODY else is good at. But that is impossible. Such things do not exist. Except…I am good at being me. That’s the one thing I have that no one else does. I can be the best singular me I can be.
Now I sound like Stuart Smalley or Dr. Phil, but at least I feel a little better.

I Win!

Well my dear audience, major props on your abilities to send good vibes. Seriously, my airy-fairy side really believes it helps–and not just in my case. But you know what else?
Studying your ass off helps you when you have a big professional exam.
Which is all to say, I PASSED!!!!!!
I won’t know my exact score for 3 weeks, nor do I care. I have a little notarized temporary certificate that says I passed.
And three little fancy letters I earned all on my own that I can put after my name.
Yippee!
It is now time for snacks and a nap with the kitties.

Exam Eve

I woke up this morning feeling pretty rotten still, and last night I just wanted my Mom to rub my back for me. (I can be a pretty pathetic sick person) But, as the day has gone on I’ve felt better and better. I give kudos to both Zicam and the makers of Ibuprofen. I just want to feel well enough tonight to brush up on labor unions, comp & benefits, and a few outstanding court cases.
For those wondering, the purpose of getting the PHR certification is that it gives me some leverage in the workforce. Not a lot of Recruiters have it, and since Recruiting is becoming an almost-defunct function in this economy, I need to prove I can branch myself out into other areas of HR. Yes, it’s 3 little letters that make me better than someone else on paper. Not a practice I strongly support, but you gotta play the game sometimes.
I am doing really well on my practice tests and my mom reminded me that I have always been a good test-taker. Still, I will likely take half a Xanax tonight for good measure.
Worse case scenario–if I don’t pass, I can take it again in May. And then again in August. And then again until I do pass. So not passing isn’t the end of the world, I will just feel like a ninny, and the test costs $300 a pop (though I can write it off on my taxes). I am just ready to be done studying so hard. At least if I need to retake it, I won’t have to hit the books the way I have the past few weeks…just enough to get me over the hump.
I will know when I leave the testing center if I passed. Please send me good vibes and warm wishes for a healthy body and sharp mind tomorrow at 8am CST.

DAMMIT

I’m home sick today. I didn’t get enough sleep last night & finally succumbed to the cold.
Wah.
Maybe I’ll feel well enough later in the day to study at least??

Your Own Personal Howard Hughes

Everytime I open up Facebook, another person in my circle is posting in their status that they are sick. It’s either the stomach bug or a cold or–god forbid–both. Seriously, it’s almost comical. I pull up status updates and 50% of them are “I’m sick” or “I feel like caca.” If I didn’t know better, I’d swear germs could be spread through the interwebs.
Friday night I suspect I was coming down with the cold. My workout lasted a scant 20 minutes before I felt like I was going to barf or possibly faint. Saturday I began dosing Zicam* every four hours on the dot. Mostly I feel fine, just a little out of it and headachy. If I had to get sick, I’d take the cold any day and I thank the heavens that if anything has hit me, it is just that (KNOCK WOOD).
Any other week I’d say, it is what it is, and not act crazy about it. But I have a 4 hour exam on Thursday, and as much review as possible to do before then (I’m still weak on my court cases and a couple formulas). So I absolutely must stay healthy. Getting sick is simply NOT an option.
I have actually spent a couple mornings chanting “I will stay healthy” in the mirror. No, I’m not joking.
I may not hug you and I may run to the bathroom to wash my hands if you touch me. Do not take it personally.
And for the love of god, if you are sick, STAY HOME.

*My thoughts on Zicam**? All I thought at first was that it fended off the cold until you stopped using it and then you’d get sick anyway. But once I actually followed the directions (duh) and used it for 48 hours AFTER feeling better, I found it really did its job. Yes, you may still get a cold, but it will be a very watered-down version of the coughing, sniffling, sneezing, stuffy-head-achey crap that gets passed around the office like a tray of donuts.

**I also am not afraid of the possibly-urban-legend about people losing their sense of smell. If I were to guess, I’d say it’s either a Zinc allergy or the results of people sticking the applicator too far up their nose. Knowing people in general, probably more likely the 2nd.

Serenity Now!

Erm…remember how last week I felt like Iron Woman and said there was a slight chance I’d collapse into a puddle of tears this week? Yeah, that finally happened last night. No surprise there, huh? The good news is it seemed to make me feel a lot better. The funny part is when people say they thought I sounded like I was managing just fine and I laugh because by now they should know better. I don’t like to be fussed over and coddled though, I just like for someone to say, “Man, I understand why you’re stressed and that sucks.” Which you all have done a fine job of doing, by the way.
Today was busy but busy is good in that it distracts me, and it wasn’t so busy that I thought I would die. I even snuck out for lunch at a reasonable hour, though I had to sacrifice my lunch date with Kim while I waited to get the address of a hotel in California where some interviews would be taking place. Sorry Kim!
However I have come to realize that eating at weird hours and snacking on whatever I can find until then is not good, even if it’s carrot chips I’m munching on. It’s really not good, as in I think it might be fueling my breakdown potential a bit. So I’m going to be sure to work on that in the coming week.
I wish I could ban whispering in the office during times of unease. Seriously, whispering around me drives me crazy regardless and I don’t know why. I guess because it implies people are talking about something they shouldn’t be and as an HR person that’s particularly annoying. And it does nothing but fuel bad rumors and suspicion when the chips are down. Anyway, whispering and crunching on food so loud that I can hear it three cubicles away are the things I still need to work on letting go. That and finding a fellow HR person rifling through stuff on my desk when I get back from the bathroom!!! (true story)
This post is sort of all over the place, so before I put my feet up and watch the LOST premier (!!!!!!!!!!), I leave you with the Oatmeal Cream Pie recipe as promised. The cookie part turned out fine, but I discovered late that I didn’t have any Crisco and tried to improvise the filling. I used margarine, and oh my god yes enough people have told me how stupid that was thank you, but I hoped I could fix it with corn starch and extra powdered sugar. Not so much. I just took the cookies in and everyone was happy anyway, but I will definitely be trying these babies again!

I Wouldn’t Want to Be Around Me Right Now

Things are calmer but no more clear than last week. The only difference is that my mood and my outlook have been very rapidly tanking. Frankly, if I were my friend I would not want to be around me right now.
I don’t know how to pull myself out of this and I’m sort of willing to just stew in it until it passes instead of feeling guilty for being a royal grouch. I keep thinking I will feel better once I get the PHR exam out of the way, and that may be true. In which case I only have to put up with one more week of myself, thank goodness.
I distract myself with fun things to do and fun things to focus on…like yesterday, when I looked forward to celebrating 2 years with E at the restaurant where we had our first date! Or tonight, when I’m baking homemade oatmeal cream pies for work. (we’ve been sharing cookies and treats every day to fight the layoff blues–I’ve been very well behaved, and mostly excited to bake just ’cause I like to bake) But the happiness and excitement are fleeting, and it doesn’t take long for me to crawl back into my funk again. Stupid things annoy the hell out of me right now, and I’m just a bundle of very raw nerves.
I need to remind myself to focus on each day–to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Maybe I’ll be a grouch until the 29th, and maybe I’ll just have to have some Zen-like acceptance of my grouchy self. I am only human after all.

Oh Hai!

I’m writing this on my “lunch break”. For the record, it is 4:15. I guess I started my break at 4.
Let me say first of all the next few weeks are going to be hellish. Little did I know when I signed up to take the PHR exam on the 29th that my company would start going through a buy-out around the same time. But hey, real world experience is way better than book learning anyway, right? So if I disappear for long periods of time, that is why. I was so exhausted last night I fell asleep on E.’s couch at 9pm. Really, beyond the veggie thing & the studying, my goals are more or less on hold until February. Let’s not tell my trainer I had a bag of carrot chips and a piece of chocolate cake for lunch, okay? (I’m exercising when I can, and when I don’t feel like falling over)
Here is what I know, which is not much. One of my supervisors was laid off. My boss “proper” (i.e., who I report to on paper and the one who is going on maternity leave soon) was retained. I’ve been helping out a LOT with the transition. Which, professionally, is very good for me. I have worked side by side with the VP of HR the past 2 days (I also placed her with the company, *ahem*). So if I were a betting woman, I would guess I am safe for the next 90 days or so. But nothing has been announced. Above all else, I will be able to go into my next interview with tremendous experience and references by the time this is all said and done.
Overall, I am feeling good, just a bit fried. I’m oddly stoic and upbeat in all this which is…weird. I’m a little worried I’ll crash hard in the next few days and just cry my eyes out. Or maybe not. Maybe I really am becoming an Iron Woman.
Have a tremendous weekend everyone. I will be sure to enjoy mine! (when I’m not studying)

Because We All Could Use a Funny

There are at least three other bloggers I know of right now going through rough stuff…some of it FAR more rough than what’s up in my world.* I decided to post some funnies.

Here is my creative project from the weekend.  It is a drawing in the snow of a  monster chasing a postal truck for some strange reason.  E. finds it hilarious, and admittedly the photo makes me laugh too.

And then there’s this video of a parrot “petting” a cat, which I can’t stop laughing about:

Parrot 'pets' cat

*I’ve been getting a lot of questions, so, in a nutshell–my boss & her peers will know their status most likely by end of week. Then my team will know our status in the next two weeks. Answers should all be out by the end of the month, and the sale closes March 1st.

Barf

So much for good news at work.
This morning it was announced that half of the company is being sold off to another company in another state.  And there is a timeline over the next couple months for the completion of this transaction.
I’ll know more about what this means for my department by the end of the week…and yes, there could still be hope for me.   There will be layoffs, there will be transfers, there will be interviews with the new organization.  IF my boss retains her job MAYBE I will be assisting during her leave.  But overall, things are gloomy.
I’m actually less stressed than I was fretting about what could potentially happen.  I do better with answers.  I just need a few more.
Glad I held off on buying my celebratory Wii!